


Leaving Meant Stop

by vega_voices



Series: Sleeps with Butterflies [21]
Category: CSI
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-03
Updated: 2011-03-03
Packaged: 2017-10-19 18:13:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/203822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vega_voices/pseuds/vega_voices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“She left,” he spoke softly, repeating part of his earlier story. Heather now knew that Sara had left following Warrick’s death and that the relationship had been rocky before then. But she also knew there was more he was bottling up. So she waited.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leaving Meant Stop

_**Fanfic: Leaving Meant Stop**_  
 **Title:** Leaving Meant Stop  
 **Author:** [](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/profile)[**vegawriters**](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/)  
 **Fandom:** CSI  
 **Pairing:** Grissom/Sara; hints of Grissom/Heather  
 **Rating:** Teen  
 **Timeframe:** Post Leave Out All The Rest  
 **A/N:** This is part of the [Sleeps with Butterflies](http://vega-voices.livejournal.com/tag/sleeps%20with%20butterflies) universe but (for once) you don’t need to have any real history to understand what’s going on.  
 **Disclaimer:** I don’t own them but wow do they own me. I make no money at all off of this, but I do get to practice my writing skills. And hey, if CBS is looking for a writer to fill out the CSI room, I’m happy to help out.

 **Summary:** _“She left,” he spoke softly, repeating part of his earlier story. Heather now knew that Sara had left following Warrick’s death and that the relationship had been rocky before then. But she also knew there was more he was bottling up. So she waited._

  
Heather knew Grissom was going to ask her to stay. When she’d opened the door, she’d seen the longing in his eyes, the chance for stability he’d turned away from the day he’d betrayed her.

She knew before she ever let him inside what was happening, that he needed, desperately to control something he was no longer in control of. Human weakness and loyalty allowed him to enter; she had once needed his calming influence. They were good for each other and there were moments she truly regretted that he loved Sara and not her.

Sighing softly, Heather closed the door of the bedroom and moved to the bed, giving him control. He did not look at her, did not establish his boundaries. So she took position in the chair and watched him, waiting for his instruction.

“She left,” he spoke softly, repeating part of his earlier story. Heather now knew that Sara had left following Warrick’s death and that the relationship had been rocky before then. But she also knew there was more he was bottling up. So she waited.

“She wasn’t right after Natalie. I knew it. But I was so concerned with keeping things calm that I didn’t dare ask the hard questions. She came home at night. She slept in my arms. We laughed together and watched TV together and she was a willing participant in bed. I let the routine cloud the fact that she was unspooling. I asked her to marry me to keep her at my side. To keep her grounded.”

“Do you really want to marry her? To accept what marriage means beyond the financial bonding of two people through a contract with the state?”

“Yes.”

No hesitation. No question. No second guessing. Heather nodded to herself. His answer was instinctive, not defensive. He meant it.

“Do you want to marry her on her terms or yours?”

Now a pause. She heard the gears grinding in his mind, felt the air escape his lungs. He wasn’t ready to speak, but he was listening, so she filled in the gaps.

“Grissom,” she leaned forward, “marriage isn’t about keeping each other close. It’s about being willing to let go.”

“I know.”

Heather paused and then nodded. His tone told her everything she needed to know about his past. He had once been married, or close to it. He had loved deeply.

“So do you want to marry her on your terms or hers?”

“I want her to be happy.”

“You are avoiding your answer.”

“I’m not ready to give up my life here.”

“Aren’t you?”

For a long time there was no answer. Heather looked down at her friend; he had fallen asleep, his shoulders still tight with unshed tension. But now, he needed to rest. They could discuss more over tea in a few hours.

She waited until his breathing completely evened out, covered him with a blanket, and settled into the chair to wait. It would not do him well to wake alone.

***

  
He dreamed of red cars, mud slides, and Sara being just out of reach. He dreamed of her father, a man he’d never even seen a photograph of, throwing his seven-year-old daughter against the wall so hard that she fractured her shoulder. He dreamed of her mother’s psychotic breaks and Sara screaming in pain as her mother held her hand over a red hot burner. He dreamed of walking into their empty home and finding Hank by the door, whimpering. He dreamed of nothing, and everything.

In his dreams, he drowned in his failures, in his inability to protect her.

Grissom woke with a start, confused. This was not his room. Hank was not curled up on the bed next to him.

But Heather sat, reading, in the chair across from him. This was her home, her life. She looked up and tilted her head at him. The book was set aside and she moved to sit with him on the bed. Her cool hand brushed across his forehead. Her fingers trailing through his hair.

He wished he did not love Sara. He wanted the ache to disappear. He ached for Heather to join him in bed, to let him ease his physical needs in her body. They had before, when she had willingly moved under him, submitting to his desires.

But although Heather read him, she did not know him.

Sara knew him.

Sara knew his desires, his fears, his tears. She knew how to comfort him with a smile or a look. She knew when to challenge him and when to let him simply be right. She wanted to learn about him, to take them to the next step. She had always been that way, and he, in his ever-fearful wisdom, fought against her. And still, she loved him.

“Why do you seek such control over her, Grissom? She submits to you, but you still seek control.”

The words came easily. “I want to protect her. She’s never in her life had someone to protect her, to love her.”

“Protection and control walk hand in hand. But, you cannot protect someone until they have control of their own life. You cannot control her actions. Sara left because she was damaged. Did you tell her how damaged you are? How your heart broke after Natalie took her?”

“She doesn’t need to know.”

“Know what?” Heather stared at him, her large brown eyes reading through his walls. “Know that you reach for her, terrified she will disappear? That you dream of her death every night? Grissom, did you speak to her at all of how you felt after she was abducted? Or did you focus solely on her?”

“My needs were irrelevant.”

“And so she left. You told her, without saying anything, that you did not care enough to share with her and so you cannot even be angry at her leaving. You are angry at the dissolution of the relationship. You are angry at Natalie. You are angry at your past and your future. But you have never been angry with her for leaving.”

“That isn’t true.”

“So you worked it out, then? You discussed why it hurt you when she left?”

“She knows.”

“Does she? Or does she stay up late at night, staring into a past that was devoted to you and a future that she feels cannot include you? Does she harbor memories of her abduction and anger toward Natalie? What have you truly discussed with her? Or have you blamed her leaving on the stagnation of your relationship?”

Grissom stared at his former lover for a long time.

“Why did you come to me? Not tonight, but before, when we shared what we shared? Why did you come to me?”

“Because I wanted to.”

“Because you felt you had no choice. You made love to me, but your mind was on Sara. Yet, even then, you pushed her away. You could not communicate. Now, you hesitate because you want her to be happy. Have you even entertained the possibility that her being happy includes you? Or did you instantly assume that happiness was the absence of you?”

“She left me.”

“She left Vegas.”

The three words hit him, hard. Sara had never once said they couldn’t be together, she said she couldn’t stay in Vegas. So involved in his work, he assumed she’d meant him as well. He was Vegas. He was why she came to Vegas.

But he wasn’t why she stayed.

Grissom closed his eyes and felt the hot tears run from under his eyelids.

He was why she came to Vegas, but she’d stayed for herself. He wasn’t why she left Vegas; she’d tried to stay for him.

“I love her, Heather.”

“Do you want to go to her?”

He paused. “I don’t know if she wants me.”

“You did not answer my question.”

“Yes.” He said, the tears falling faster. “Yes.”

“Then sleep,” she responded softly. Heather took his hand and held it while he cried.

***

  
Breakfast was simple. Toast. Butter. Tea. Heather sat on one of her classically carved davenports, dressed for the day in black pants and a lace up black blouse. Her hair flowed easily around her face in ringlets. Her feet were bare.

Grissom stared at her, remembering other mornings, other moments long past. He’d wanted her to join him in bed last night, knew he could have created the scene to command it, but he would not have slept like he needed to. The tears would not have come.

“Thank you, Heather.”

“You are welcome, Gil.”

Gil. It was not in her nature to call him that, and he knew now the relationship had truly moved past their own tortured history.

He settled next to her. She smiled. It was warm and open and he took her hand. “I’m going after her.”

“On her terms?”

“If she will have me.”

“And if not?”

“I can’t control beyond the now.”

“You did sleep well.”

Grissom laughed. The release of the tears had released the bindings around his heart. He hadn’t realized that when Sara left, she was saying “stop.” She needed to take back her control, to place herself in a position of power. In trying to hard to control himself, he had not been listening to the very person who needed to be heard.

“When will you leave?”

“I need to sleep first.”

“Yes.”

“I’m going home.”

She squeezed his hand.

He smiled and leaned over to kiss her good bye.

_~fin~_


End file.
